I was there in the day my mother always wait and wish. I was standing proud inside a beautiful with bride gown. Beside me was the mr. nice guy I ever deny.

I was searching my parents. I saw my father, like always talking anything he could talk about me, even embarrassing ones. I tried to ignore his habit and approached him.

"Dad, where is mom?"
"Oh, she said she is tired so she doesn't come and watching TV instead."
But this is my special day!


I woke up suddenly with my heart pounding fast and I almost screaming. Dreams like these are the worst nightmare for me. The book 'teen ink' I was studied lay weighting my chest. I remember the last real life story I read is about a girl who struggled hard in ballet dance because her mother will. But after her proudful debut her mother plainly said 'you are the fatest girl in the stage'. Since then the girl never dance anymore.

Communities in Indonesia usually never proud of women who sucess in fields, they only proud of women who just married especially if they could marry rich, handsome, or popular guys. They also call single womans above thirty years 'old virgins', a humiliating call. If you heard them says proud of their girl achievements, those might just bullshits, achievements are just like certificates to get better --read:richer-- husband. We are good at arranging courtesy and hypocrites.

So did my parents, they are disappointed when I break up with the mr. nice guy, never asking me why. In effort of pursuing me to get married, they never listen to my inspirations, my wishes, or my dreams.

Beside the book, the event happened yesterday might also be a trigger for that dream. My mother again complaining why she choose my father after my father hit her with a bootle. He did that because he thinks she doesn't eager to help him find a bottle for his stupid, forty years older than him-- friend. We were watching TV that time, I asked him to wait but he was paniced and keep talking just like if there was a fire.

Isn't all was pathetic?

I saw the clock, I was sleeping in my locked room for twelve hours. Great, no one realized I'm trying to suicide. Three bottles of sleep medicine was empty beside me but I can't even move my eyes to see it again.

Just adding one more pathetic thing.


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